Phone calls from dear friends or Carolina on my mind

North Carolina 2002

Years ago I took my kids to North Carolina and as we drove along the coast James Taylor played softly in the background. In fact, he is one of the favorites to bring along on any road trip. His music brings up this homey feeling of nostalgia of the past, of old friends and relationships and all the meaning that comes from knowing these precious people. I am not sure why James Taylor does that for me, except for when I was getting ready to move in with my biological father after finding him when I was sixteen; the lady I was living with at the time, who was one of my mother figures in my life loved James Talyor and Simon and Garfunkel.  She played Bridge over Trouble Water for me as my going away song to remind me that she would always be there for me, especially if things became difficult. She stayed true to her promise and took me back in just a few short months later. I guess that style of music and the genre has influenced me throughout my life, especially the sentiment, her actions will always be remembered through the  message of the music that took root in me at such a young age.

 Tonight I thought of James Taylor's song as a dear friend I don't get to talk to very often called, and hearing her sweet voice brought back the same nostalgia. Close relationships can create such lovely songs of the soul; they may not be written for musical instruments, but they play upon the heart strings and cords that are only created as friends who have walk through difficult times as well as the joyful times in life.

As we caught up with each other's life I was transported back to her house drinking tea sitting on her couch like so many times before. Talking about our kids, husbands, writing, and trying to encourage each other to continue along the path were given to traverse. Looking back at those sweet times of communion, I had no idea how knitted our hearts had become, but as we each faced difficult times we were able to come in help, encourage, cry with,  pray with, and laugh with. Tonight I realized how much I missed those times, and yet, I realized I couldn't go back. I could enjoy the present moment, and how it was mingled with the sweet remembrances of times past, but we are on different paths now, however a phone call can connect us as if we haven't been separated at all. Isn't that like nostalgia? Remembering, connecting, internalizing the past, present, and future all at the same time. 

Just as I finished one conversation, another dear friend called to talk with me about deep issues that are taking place in so many people we know. With heavy hearts we considered the victims, all the families influenced by certain people's actions and what damage has been done. Once again as moms, we spoke of the hearts' of those younger than us and how we wanted healing and restitution and resolution and where did justice come in and where did grace come into the picture.  My friend used to do my hair and we would talk and talk as she tried to work miracles with my hair. :) Our conversations tended to always go to the deep places with ease. Those places of the heart, the places of hurt, and the sacred places. As I listened to joy in my friend's voice, she said, "I have found my voice!" Nothing is sweeter to my ears than to hear one of my friend's that has found her voice. It is in finding our voice we also find the empowerment to create the melodies of the soul, where blues are birthed, and where freedom rings through jazz.

This is what I heard as each friend shared her heart, each woman had such a strong voice, each  was coming into her own, though on different paths with different tasks at hand, yet, that feminine voice, that maternal tenderness brought such harmony, such sweetness. These conversations caused yearning in me to return to Colorado, where my friends and family are, but I must stay my course, finish what I have started here. I know I this is where I belong for now. However, like James Taylor sings, "In my mind I'm going to Carolina. Can't you see the sunshine, can't you just feel the moonshine? Ain't it just like a friend of mine to hit me from behind? Yes, I'm going to Carolina in my mind." 
For me, it is my heart, where all those memories are tucked away; tonight I had the privilege to pull them out and see them with joy instead of sadness.

Birth-giver

Last night I started reading Walking on the Water by Madeleine L'Engle, and in the first chapter she writes:
"The artist is a servant who is willing to be a birth-giver."

What a statement, for those whom have given birth know how intense the process is, and to compare that to being creative. This made me think of the whole process, from conception of giving birth and what it means to be a birth-giver. What starts out as a stimulating moment can lead to shock for some when they realize they are carrying new life, or for some they come to the realization of how they feel in the morning. New cravings and emotional moments correlate with a changing body that shows a new life residing within. All of the adjustments that new life requires is life changing in itself; the planning, preparing, and purchasing takes so much time and energy.

Comparing all this to being creative- that moment of inspiration and jubilee, when a new project, book, painting, or sculpture comes to mind all the excitement is there. But the excitement fades as the hard work begins and more times than not, it takes many drafts, tries, and starts before that new creation comes alive. As L'Engle calls us co-creators in each project we take on, there can be much consternation in the process that causes nausea and tears, just as if we were carrying life within us. It takes much planning, time management, preparation, and resources to finish what was started. Some of my photo collages took over a year before I felt they were finished. However, some projects take much longer than any natural birth, they sit dormant or have a much slower time line where life influences the artist and thus, the art.


I see this process in me as I continue my education. Each obstacle that I have had to overcome to continue has shaped me in a different way. So many times I was either tempted or offered an out, but so far I have stayed the course, not at the pace I would have preferred, nevertheless I have made progress each class, and each semester. Most people see the "art" or the end project, but what they don't see is all the hard work that it took to create that piece, whether is physical labor, emotional labor, psychological labor, or manual labor, it is the entire process from the beginning of conception to the creation that takes a servant's heart, one who is willing to do whatever it takes to create, even at the end when one feels like they don't have the strength to push one more time. And then, that little life comes forth and all the pain and anguish is forgotten. I know that is how I will feel when I walk across the stage to receive my diploma. All of the training, moving, studying, writing, reading, and crying will be worth it. This education is not only giving me ample opportunities for employment opportunities, but I believe it is giving me the confidence and tools to become a better writer and photographer, thus a better artist. I have longed to show the beauty that is all around from nature, to the essence of people as I take their portraits. My hope is that they will see a reflection of glory that will encourage them. In many ways my education is leading me to be able to do the same thing, but with women and children that have come out of domestic violence, sexual abuse, and spiritual abuse. I believe they need to see that they have it within themselves, that beautiful glory, they may need a bit of help to see it. 

 As I near my "third trimester", if you will, I know things can get very uncomfortable, and yet, there is great expectation. When I enter my senior year in the fall, I hope to garner more knowledge and technique, that will help me serve, write, and take photos. But I also hope I receive more insight and understanding that will help me to serve, write, and take photos that will encourage, inspire, and illustrate that there is glory all around if we open our eyes, and that there is this mysterious glory found within that desires to create and partake of life.

How about you, do you see yourself giving birth or in the process? What projects are you working on and at what stage?