Today as I sat reading a Generous Orthodoxy by Brian McLaren in the sun filled atrium of the Paramus
mall while waiting for Jonathan to get off of work, I was writing in my journal
and taking notes, I turned the page and came upon this note from my sweet
daughter. For those who can’t read it in the picture above it says,
“Mom, you are my inspiration, because of you I know I can do anything and I believe in myself. And I believe in you; I always have and I always will. I believe you can change the world and I know you will. I love you so much and know I am keeping you in my heart and prayers.”
This note alone fills me
with so many emotions it is hard to put into words all of the love and awe I
feel, as a mom, who has wondered if I had made a positive impact on my
daughter. As I raised her, I always felt that my toolbox was empty when it came
to relating to her and that became very evident in the teenage years, where I especially
felt so inadequate, by not having a loving relationship with my own mother. I
didn’t have anything positive to draw upon, and living on my own at 15, my
experiences didn't aid me in parenting a teen. I look
back to those years with regret and if I could have done some things over, boy
would I.
But this is not the whole
story to this note.
You see, Amanda gave me
this journal four years ago, in fact, she was trying to sneak into the house
and leave it on the table, but I heard her and came out of my room and saw this
sweet Snoopy writing journal where she left me this encouraging note in the
front of the journal.
What was so strange about that day, was that it was Chuck’s
birthday and as Amanda brought me a gift. She was getting ready to leave, when
I received a phone call from Maggie telling me she is rushing Jonathan to the
hospital; this is the same day he had two heart attacks from a virus attacking
his heart. When we scrambled to leave the next day I grabbed this journal
amongst other things and left for Florida. The first night in Florida, Chuck
was hit by a man going 70mph and ended up in the ICU of the other hospital.
This journal became a catchall of numbers, notes, and information that
pertained to both Jonathan and Chuck and when I finally made it back to
Colorado, I set the journal aside. I couldn’t write in it, for it became
sacred, as it aided me in one of the most difficult times of my life. I would
look at it from time to time, but wouldn’t look through it, I just couldn’t get
myself to leaf through the pages. I didn’t want to remember all the
conversations that it had witnessed, and all the doctor’s notes that questioned
whether Chuck would ever be the same. But is also held numbers of strangers
that gave us shelter, food, transportation, and encouragement. It kept me
organized and focused on what I needed to do, I see it as God’s grace during a
very stressful time. So it became enshrined on my desk as a reminder of
what matters in life.
When we moved to New York, I had packed away most of my journals in storage, but felt inclined to bring this one with me; it represented the love of my daughter, and victory over death that my son and husband had conquered. It had become my silent companion.
Fast forward to this
summer when I decided to read a myriad of books pertaining theology and faith
to really see if I going to Seminary was the next step after getting my degree
from Columbia. I felt inclined that this journal was what I was supposed to
write down all my thoughts, seeds of posts and papers, dreams, prayers, ideas, burdens,
and questions. As I started writing down ideas, I felt like I was returning to
something that I hadn’t left, but has set aside in a way. All the church abuse
that we have endured in many different aspects had left my heart so bruised
that even reading Scriptures brought more pain than comfort. So I had used a
different journal and chose to read Sarah Young’s Jesus Calling, as my
touchstone to God for the last few years. It wasn’t until this spring that I
felt this calling towards seminary, which I found a bit perplexing, but knew I
had to test the waters to see where I was. I knew that my faith had to be a
portion of what career I was going into, I just wasn’t sure how it would all
come together, and I still don’t though I am more hopeful.
So I have been journaling
and writing things down over the last month and sitting in the mall today, I came
across this note by Amanda that had been written four years ago. My heart and
mind really can’t comprehend the significance of this note at this time. Moving
to New York, I have questioned whether it was right or not. Did we abandon
Amanda by coming out here? And with everything that has come to light in the
last few months, I have carried the guilt that I allowed someone to hurt my
child. I have questioned everything about my parenting over the last few years
and in many instances I have come up short, wishing I had been more patient and
understanding. I have wondered on many occasions if my child knew how amazing she was and if she
knew how much her parents loved her and how proud they were of her. I have
cried out to God to heal the places that have been torn and wondered when it
would happen.
And then to turn the page
and find this note, to hear her sweet voice say that she believes in herself,
nothing is more important that we can give our kids than self-confidence and the
belief that they are truly loved.
I pondered whether or not
I should share this, but I felt the hearts of so many other parents that weren’t
sure if they had parented well, or enough. Communication with grown children
can be difficult, even in the best situations. But when turmoil of every sort
comes and turns your world upside down like ours, to find this treasure, to
feel her love wash over me like the summer sun in the morning, and then to hear
the Lord say to me, “I told you, she loved you” was healing to my soul.
This note had been here
the entire time, but it wasn’t read until now. We don’t always see things as
they are because of all the crazy circumstances, but we carry around in our
hearts this hope. It doesn’t matter if we change the world if we don’t reach our
own. And yet, here is this note at a time when I am pondering the next step in
my education, in my career, and her sweet words bolster the confidence that I
need to move forward. I feel so blessed and loved, but I also feel so happy
that she feels loved and empowered.
Isn’t it funny how the
Lord works sometimes?
