Watching I Escaped a Cult

A dear friend emailed me to tell me that I should  watch I Escaped a Cult. Tonight, I watched it on Netflix, but it can also be seen the National Geographic channel has parts of it online. I would encourage people who really aren't sure why families talk about  their experiences with sexual predators that are in the church.  Or for those that feel the need to talk about forgiveness as the first thing a person must do when abused in a church, or any advice that is given to the victim instead of the perpetrator, this movie gives great insight into what happens to people who grow up in controlling and abusive churches or movements. It brought back so many memories for me.

 As I sat and watched this movie, I was reminded of the manipulation that these leaders use to gain control over families in the church. One ex cult member said, "It started as a friendly prayer meeting," this sentence rang true to me, because that is how Gerry and Beth isolated the youth from their parents, every church member that had children in the youth were manipulated in so many ways which gave them free access to our kids. The anger that family members feel is compounded by the lies, manipulation, control, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, and sexual abuse that these victims have had to endure, in numerous situations which spanned many years.

This documentary shows how the leaders of one cult sought to destroy every tie within a family, we experienced this at the NLCD, the church we attend prior to attending  JMI. I remember the pastor yelling and screaming, and in all actuality throwing a tantrum in my basement because one of the members wanted to spend a Sunday with their grown children. He didn't think that she was being spiritual enough.  Of course they use the pulpit, and thus get to spread their poison through what is supposed to be considered holy, but is really used to gain control over the congregation.  Maybe you have never been in a church like this, and don't understand how people are controlled; I think this movie gives Christians on the outside a different perspective, and a better understanding  of what happens inside these types of churches. This may help people to understand why there is so much hurt and anger, because as the one lady stated, "the pain never goes away." This control impacts the core of the person and all that they believe, it isn't just about working in a toxic environment, but it rules how all of these people conduct their lives. There is always an element of fear, maybe of hell, maybe of loss of favor, or a relationship, so just plain condemnation and guilt is used to keep members in line.

I wish more Christians would understand that quoting Scriptures only causes more pain, because it is the very Scriptures themselves, that are used as a weapon to tear people down in these"churches". I wish Christian leaders would quit saying we need to "check ourselves" when they hear about a pastor being accused of sexual abuse and start saying "how can we help the victims", and leave the forgiveness issue to God allowing time to bring healing. In all actuality, when people start quoting forgiveness scriptures from the start, it shows how uncomfortable they are with the topic and then they put pressure on the victims to hurry up and deal with "their" issues instead of confronting the true issues of how and why sexual and spiritual abuse is  increasing in churches at an alarming rate, as well as seeing that these issues are impacting society as a whole.

When we left JMI after they whisked Amanda away after she turned 18, we were devastated, absolutely devastated. My saving grace was that I was in counseling and had a counselor that really helped me start dealing with all of the abuse that I had suffered at three different churches and what type of toll it had taken on me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To this day, I start to break out in a sweat when I walk past a church, it doesn't matter what type, it is still a reaction to all the abuse. Due to the events that have unfolded in the last year, I feel that I have lost ground, and I seriously question the lack of sensitivity that I have seen on FB and in the pulpits, where people who have no idea what is going on start spewing out Scriptures and I hear leaders saying we shouldn't judge. It's nonsense, that is what it is, pure nonsense.

I really hope people will take the time to understand one does not have to practice polygamy or live on a compound to be in a cult or cult-like church. Serious damage is done to the church members who live under spiritual, sexual, and emotional abuse. 

In our case each church demonstrated how the leaders gained control through manipulation in different ways; the first church did so by isolating and shaming.  Attending my first church meeting, the pastor's wife came up to me and said, "God saved her from out of the gutter, and would do the same to me." In the second church I was publicly called out virtually every Sunday for many years, (it was a small church)  and I was  publicly shamed for not attending meetings, for the length of my hair, for idolizing my children and homeschooling too much, and of course, not obeying my husband. I had become wiser in many ways by not staying in the same type of church and we finally thought we had found a safe place when we attended JMI and their marriage conferences, but right away I saw too much control over the core group, they didn't seem to have much of a life but attending church sponsored events all week. All the teens hung out at the Pastor's house and my two found their place right away. It was apparent within the first few months that we had lost our kids to these people. I had to battle my teens over 2am church meetings instead of doing drugs, they kept my children in prayer meetings until 2am on many occasions, and I was considered too damaged from the previous church to really understand what was going on. My children informed me that they would runaway if we left the church, so I stayed, trying to keep my family together. And now we are faced with this trial, from a man who publicly called me antisocial in front of the church one Tuesday evening. These are just a few bits of my story, our family's story.

I find it very hard to be tolerant of ignorant people claiming to know what to do, or for those that are in leadership positions to talk about turning the other cheek, or remembering to respect authority. I wonder how they would feel, if they felt like their family could be taken from them at any point like I did. I wonder if they understand how it feels to be powerless, and shamed by the "man of god" who is preaching on Sunday about abstinence and yet having a seven year affair on the side.

If I could ask one thing, it would be that Christians  who are afraid that God's name is going to be marred or that church attendance will decrease, or that we shouldn't talk about those hidden things and we should remain silent, would consider what they are going to say to a victim or the victim's family. I wonder if they realize how their comments only cause more pain. This invalidation only cause more trauma and pain. For those who believe they are trying to help by quoting judge not lest ye be judged, or forgive or you won't be forgiven, or this should be settled between each party and not to be put on public display, you have no idea how much you are empowering these power hungry predators who are skilled at using scriptures to get what they want.

I do not see or hear compassion, I have spoken to so many that have been abused in the church and in many ways, they can come to terms with being abused, but they can't come to terms with all the "well meaning Christians" that say the most hurtful things to them, they shame them, they judge them, they accuse them, the ostracize them, and they forsake them because they don't want to be considered tainted either. This is best described in The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorn, I wonder how many abused church members will be able to turn their Scarlet Letter  of shame into something that will cause people to understand how painful it is to judge the victim, just like Hester Prynne did.

This movie is short, but to the point, the cult members demonstrate dignity and grace, as well as pain and sorrow for what was done and even what they did. These problems are not going to be solved by trying to silence the victims, in their story, members brought about civil and criminal charges against the leaders and won, and one is sentenced for life in prison for what he did to minors. Lives are lost and destroyed by this abuse and control. I believe the church should consider the scriptures that talk about tending to those of a broken spirit, or how Jesus sees children and what he states should be done to those who offend them. It is very hard to try to heal from the abuse when most of one's attention gets refocused on well-meaning people who feel "led" to share, not to mention the leaders that stand in the pulpits each Sunday and tell the congregation that they should consider their own hearts, quit running interference for the sexual predators, manipulators, quit worrying about job security, and be that city of light and love, we are supposed to be.