The Violation of the rite of passage

Last week, I finally started to put photos from years ago into photo albums. I have definitely fallen down on the job when it comes to photo organization. A great deal of change has taken place in our family. Not just the normal transitions that families make as children get older and move on into their adult lives, or spouses changing careers, or even moving to another state. Even though our family has weathered all these changes, we have also endured many vicissitudes in our faith. I believe the culmination of the breach in our faith happened after Gerry, the pastor that sexually abused my child was sentenced. One would think that validation through the court system would bring about healing, and I am still hoping that will be the case, but for now, we are all still very raw, and very tender when it comes to our faith.

For the last five years our family has had to deal with other serious challenges and changes, and each of us has adapted a persevering mindset that we will move forward, no matter what has been thrown at us. This stance is very individualistic in nature, for each of us has used the strengths in our personalities to perfect this position that may look like everything is alright in the world, or the fierce protector, or the dutiful one, or the adventurer seeking solace in the unknown. However, each of us desperately needs a safe place to find rest. However, the default mode has been if we keep ourselves busy enough we don't feel the ache that is present in our souls.

Well, I was faced with that ache last week when I stumbled upon both sets of baptism photos of my children. Just seeing each pastor that wreaked such havoc in our family caused such a visceral reaction in me. And I was faced with questions that I was hoping if I just kept busy enough I wouldn’t have to face. Such as how can something so personal, something which is supposed to be so pure, something that aids in defining the identity of a person- baptism become so tainted and become a place of pain? What happens when one of the most sacred rituals of faith is marred by the actions of the man who is doing the baptism?

When I came across the set of pictures where the kids were baptized, I saw how I documented who attended, their emotions about the event, the festivities, and even the clouds, for they were baptized at sunset, and God did not disappoint, for streams of light glistened through the clouds as the sun set. I remember feeling like I had fulfilled some part of this contract that I had with God as a parent, not that we forced our kids, for we didn’t. They came to us on both occasions, but any Christian parent desires to see their children make a decision to follow Christ. Looking back, I am sure there was some parental pride, but what I remember feeling was relieved. For I thought, they are baptized now, they are safe. I remember taking a picture of Chuck and he was crying as the kids were baptized, he too felt relief. Both of us, struggled with wondering if we were doing right by our kids. I think that there is a checklist in the heart that where the box can be checked at each milestone.

But now, what do I do with these pictures? Do I cut out the bad guys?  I have seen those pictures where one spouse cuts out the other- that doesn’t work, for all it shows is the disruption in the family. Do I just tuck them away in a folder? I am left with questions that do not have any easy answers.

I had wanted to leave that church from the start, but we stayed 11 long years. The spiritual abuse that our family endured left us as an easy target for the next church.  Stan did a fantastic job in tearing down our gender in both Chuck and me. He was a bully in the pulpit that outed each member, and embarrassed them in public, but I tended to be his favorite subject. I remember cutting my hair short and Stan stating in front of the entire congregation, ”When Chuck goes to bed with you at night, he may mistake you for a man, Tonya.” 

It is still very painful for me to share, for the responses I get normally stem from complete shock, to questions like, ‘why didn’t you leave?’ 

But Stan had used so many tactics that had beaten us down, he had used our past against us, which kept us fearful, which kept us there. The control and manipulation that was used against our family caused each of us to doubt our faith. For Chuck and me it caused us to doubt our decisions and our ability to trust other people. Little did I know that the man who so arrogantly kept everyone by his soporific diatribe during the baptism, was also secretly telling my children that I could not be trusted and that I was a bad mom.

So when we left NLCD and started attending JMI, Chuck and I held back, for we were not ready to engage again. However, that very need was the door that opened up our kids to being seduced by Gerry and Beth. And just like the pied piper, they separated the teens from the parents- they even secretly asked the kids to call them momma and papa.  They took the sacred sharing of counseling and prayer time and used it against us as parents and before we knew it, we felt our kids slipping away from us. During this process, as the kids became more ‘spiritual’ they wanted to be re-baptized. Who were we to argue? We had been baptized more than once- however for us, it had more to do with our commitment, but for our children it was based on whom. To think that the hands that immersed my children under the water were the same hands than molested my daughter. 

The violation of the sacred is more than words can say. The tainting, marring, breaching, sullying, tarnishing, and polluting that was accomplished in this ritual cuts us to the quick. In my studies I have learned, that these rituals enact the form of social relations and in giving these relations visible expression they enable people to know their own society.  Through baptism, we are supposed to know our own. How does one recover from that?

Isn’t the sacred supposed to the place of safety, of unconditional love? A place where we can run to when we are afraid? What happens when the place that is supposed to protect, feed, and nurture you becomes a place of deviance, of war, and of pain? What happens when the identity that was secure in Christ feels like leprosy? For these rituals work in the body as being symbolic of the nature of God. When all of that- is tainted, broken- shattered- so much so that every time I try to pick up the pieces, I end up cutting myself. So for a period of time I quit trying to pick up the pieces until this week. 

Seeing these men with their smug expression of hubris and piety only makes me shake with anger.

Yep, I just used the A-word for Christians. It is that dirty shameful word that is silenced by tons of scriptures and of course the word forgiveness. For the longest time, I wanted to call my post: “God hates an angry woman.”

 Not that I believed this, but I definitely felt that the church as a whole sees an angry woman like they would see a fire-they want to extinguish it as soon as possible so it or she doesn’t do too much damage. 

I find it interesting how threatened people feel, especially men if they meet an angry woman. For depending on how strict your doctrine is, women should be silenced or at least gentle. But angry- no- for anger rests in the bosoms of fools and we don’t want to be a foolish woman.

However, anger is an emotion we have been given, in fact it is designed to notify us when something is wrong. Sometimes the determination of the wrong can be seen in both parties, and sometimes, in one party. But even in the Bible there are passages that use the fierceness of a mother and her cubs, such as a lioness. Who dares to come in between a lioness and her cubs? Ezekiel 19: 2 states, “What a lioness was your mother among the lions! She lay down among them and reared her cubs." 

Even Ezekiel acknowledges the fierce protectiveness that a mother has over her children. In Lamentations, Jeremiah calls the ostrich mother foolish. Laminations 4:3 states, “Even jackals offer their breasts to nurse their young, but my people have become heartless like ostriches in the desert.” And yet, a mother cannot be angry that her children were hurt by these men? That these men tried to destroy her family? That they tried to turn children against their parents? 

Instead she is met with scriptures of forgiveness. I am not against forgiveness, I understand the power of it, but I also understand that time and safety is vital in bringing about forgiveness. As I study PTSD and the effects, the most important thing is safety. 

And what is safety? Isn’t it acceptance? Isn’t it a place where one can be who they are? Where they can show their emotions, work through their feelings and thoughts? Or is it all about keeping up with appearances? I have found that going through the motions only causes more pain and harm.

So where does a mother go? 

I found the church lacking in safety, not just the churches that I have attended, but the body as a whole. There seems to be little understanding for the victims, this is why so many of us stay quiet. For the pain and stigma that comes with talking can be just as damaging as the act itself. So many want their idyllic world to stay status quo where everything is all right in the church. But what happens when it isn’t? What happens when some of the most severe abuse takes place in the church? Who is willing to stand up for the victims? Who is willing to give voice to the voiceless? Who is willing to not only say that sexual abuse is a sin- but call it what it is a CRIME. When will the Church start taking responsibility and accepting the punishments that are afforded to the guilty? Why is it that sexual abuse is a sin, but murder is a crime? McKinnon argues, “Rape is not prohibited, it is regulated in our society.” It is a strong statement that has so much truth in it. Today sexual abuse is minimized in so many ways. I am so grateful that my daughter and the other victims were given closure and validation for the pain they endured. But that doesn’t take away the pain we feel, the shame, or the isolation we feel. I understand that people are not sure what they should say, so they remain quiet. However the quietness is deafening and I believe our voices should be raised, that this type of behavior is not acceptable or tolerated in any church, school, or home.

But for now, I sit with these pictures wondering what to do with them. Pondering what should have taken place. Hoping that one day, I will have an answer. 

In response to 19 Kids and Counting sexual abuse

Van Der Kolk, M.D. states in his book, The Body Keeps the Score Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, “For many people the war begins at home. Each year three million children in the United States are reported as victims of child abuse and neglect. One million of these cases are serious and credible enough to force local child protective services or the courts to take action. In other words, for every soldier who serves in a war zone abroad, there are ten children who are endangered in their own homes. This is particularly tragic, since it is very difficult for growing children to recover when the source and pain is not enemy combatants but their own caretakers.” [emphasis mine]

TLC has made the right decision by suspending 19 Kids and Counting. 

Family's FB Page

    

The last few days I have read many posts about the Duggar family. Due to the nature of the crimes that were committed, I struggled with many of the statements that supported and opposed the Duggar family. Coming out the patriarchal homeschooling movement, I have seen so many families devastated by this movement.

 I look at this story from multiple perspectives; what part of their faith plays into the situation, and how TLC’s decision will impact the family economically. How the patriarchal belief system helped to perpetuate this cover-up and what is being done to help the victims heal.  Lastly how do we change the laws so that there is not a statute of limitations when it comes to sexual assaults on a minor?

Unfortunately in the Christian community there is a group of people that want to palliate the negative responses from the media and others when a Christian falls from grace. Comments like, “God will get the victory!” or “We must pray that the enemy doesn't get the upper hand!” shows how people are more concerned with God's reputation than the victims. I find these platitudes to be self-serving and very disruptive to the healing process that the victims may be struggling with during their healing. When things like this happen people of faith immediately push the need for forgiveness. This is the go-to argument, as well as not judging the perpetrator, for we are all sinners.

But what is really at the root of these phrases? Why do they feel the need to use very selective scriptures to back up their stance?  Fear and Self-centeredness. They are afraid of the taboo that comes with child sexual molestation, it causes an aversive reaction to push or demand that the victims forgive.  People want to believe that all is well in their world. They don’t like when taboo subjects are brought out into the light. They want everything to return to “normal” so they can go on living their lives as if these heinous acts do not happen. Please note, I am not against forgiveness, but believe that each victim must decide how she or he will work through her or his trauma, but it is on her or his timeline, not the church’s.

The reports show that the Duggars did attempt to help their son, but the police did not follow procedure, thus failing the victims and the son. However, sending the boy to live with someone else for a couple months does not equate to counseling. Because homeschooling is very individualistic in nature, families can fall prey to hubris notions that they can solve any problem that arises by themselves. The parents stated that these incidents caused them, “to seek God”, but in the end it did nothing for the victims, nor the perpetrator. In many cases this 'pray it away' mentality allows for the abuse to continue, for the perpetrator is under “grace” and the victims are forced to forgive and are silenced by the authority figures in the household.

As a homeschooler it is cases like this, where there is no defense against such actions. We cannot support such behavior.

In this last year, I chose the Patriarchal movement as a group that I would love to observe and interview for one of my paper proposal. I did tons of research and my research had to be objective showing those who supported the movement and those opposed. I learned that the patriarchal or quiverfull movement can be described as parents who are Christian who believe that it is their calling to raise as many children that God allows them to have (Mesaros-Winckles, 2010). They believe that the Bible is inherent and that it is the guide for their lives which includes educating their children, how to have a happy marriage, a successful business, and witness for Jesus Christ. Individual families understand teachings differently, hence there is a large spectrum in how families interpret modesty in clothing, submission in marriage, discipline of children, and how much outside social interaction is allowed. The leaders of this movement, Doug Phillips, Mary Pride, and Bill Gothard have great influence on homeschoolers through conferences that are held each year throughout the country. The rules that these families followed were very difficult to achieve, thus the Duggars were the archetype of a successful family. One of my main concerns was that for every successful family there were many families that were damaged and broken by trying to fulfill such rigid requirements. Not to mention that some of the leaders are being pursued in the courts for sexual misconduct. 

Another concern I had was how this movement not only greatly influenced homeschool families, but also mainstream America. 19 Kids and Counting has had over 4 million viewers which demonstrates how popular and accepting people are of the lifestyle. However, not all quiverfull or even homeschooling families are able to make a living by being filmed. For many homeschooling families, the mother traditionally stays home and the father provides the income. Unfortunately one income is not enough with today’s standard of living and the mother starts a business from home to supplement the much needed income. By working from home she is still following the rules of being a “keeper of the home” and now adds one more thing to her hectic schedule. The mom becomes the manager, delegating much more than just chores to the older children just to stay afloat. This is even seen in this television show how the older kids not only help clean and cook, they also do some of the homeschooling. I am not against a strong work ethic, but I am against serious burnout, which we see all the time in homeschooling families. In other words, there can be unintended consequences in a family when pursuing such a stringent set of rules.

The father has all the control over the family and this includes all economic decisions, the type of education the children receive, when to seek medical assistance, and many other social engagements. To distinguish between a typical homeschooling family and the quiverfull ideology I will share one of my own experiences. I remember sitting in on a talk that Kevin Swanson gave where he stated, “We educate our sons, but train our daughters.” I sat stunned in my chair, not quite believing what I heard, and  I turned to my husband to make sure I heard correctly and he looked at me with the same shock. After that talk, we did not return to another CHEC conference. This belief system enables men to gain so much power that they become a mini-dictator over their own family. I personally know of many families that have gone through this type of situation.

I don’t think that people realize that this television show supports this type of ideology. Which leads me to the main reason for the show. Why would a mother and father knowingly allow their family to be filmed knowing that their child confessed to sexually molesting his own sisters? Money and influence. This show not only helped further this “quiverfull” ideology, but the Duggars were well compensated for their time. From their notoriety they have wrote multiple books which have brought people out in droves for book signings. Their show was designed as a commodification of the quiverfull way of life. However, it required that each child participate, and they had no voice in the matter. The wholesome picture of the Duggars was very popular. Unfortunately, once again, reality television turns out to be the antithesis.

The parents should be held responsible for all of the damage that has been done. Instead of sending the young man away, they should have sought out counseling for him and all of the victims. But they chose to be parochial and they covered it up. I believe that because they were willing to forgive and move forward that they could hide this, now these sisters, who are the victims are now thrust into the limelight.  They did not disclose this information to TLC, and some may agree with that. But this family has come out with very strong viewpoints about what hurts children, and I cannot think of anything more harmful than child sexual abuse.  The stigma and taboo that accompanies child sexual molestation is now on a national level, and where will these girls go to find help? Childhood sexual abuse is very devastating and can have lifelong consequences, which I do not believe are being addressed in this family.

Hopefully in all of the dialogue that will come out of this situation the laws will be changed in Arkansas. These victims will never see justice.

Having been a survivor of child sexual abuse and the parent of a child of sexual abuse I can state emphatically that the church does not know how to handle these situations and normally adds to the sorrow and grief by defending the accused, and trying to force the victim into forgiveness, and worrying about the reputation of the church. Some of the comments I have personally had to listen to were so obnoxious and hurtful, I can't imagine what it must feel like on a national level. 

That said, people need to stand up for what is right, even when it goes against you way of life! 

I want to state, I am not against praying, homeschooling, nor am I against forgiveness, or faith. I am against the abuse of power that can be contrived when very stringent forms of homeschooling and ironclad faith mix to create an environment that is hazardous to the health of others.

It is very unfortunate that this family is now forced to handle something in such a public way.