Van Der Kolk, M.D. states in his book, The Body Keeps the Score Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma,
“For many people the war begins at home. Each year three million children in
the United States are reported as victims of child abuse and neglect. One
million of these cases are serious and credible enough to force local child
protective services or the courts to take action. In other words, for every
soldier who serves in a war zone abroad, there are ten children who are
endangered in their own homes. This is particularly tragic, since it is very
difficult for growing children to recover when the source and pain is not enemy
combatants but their own caretakers.” [emphasis mine]
TLC has made the right decision by suspending 19 Kids and Counting.
 |
| Family's FB Page |
The last few days I have read many posts about the Duggar
family. Due to the nature of the crimes that were committed, I struggled with many of the statements that supported and opposed the Duggar family. Coming
out the patriarchal homeschooling movement, I have seen so many families devastated
by this movement.
I look at this story
from multiple perspectives; what part of their faith plays into the situation, and
how TLC’s decision will impact the family economically. How the patriarchal belief
system helped to perpetuate this cover-up and what is being done to help the
victims heal. Lastly how do we change
the laws so that there is not a statute of limitations when it comes to sexual
assaults on a minor?
Unfortunately in the Christian community there is a group of
people that want to palliate the negative responses from the media and others
when a Christian falls from grace. Comments like, “God will get the victory!”
or “We must pray that the enemy doesn't get the upper hand!” shows how people are
more concerned with God's reputation than the victims. I find these platitudes to be
self-serving and very disruptive to the healing process that the victims may be
struggling with during their healing. When things like this happen people of
faith immediately push the need for forgiveness. This is the go-to argument, as
well as not judging the perpetrator, for we are all sinners.
But what is really at the root of these phrases? Why do they feel
the need to use very selective scriptures to back up their stance? Fear and Self-centeredness. They are afraid of the
taboo that comes with child sexual molestation, it causes an aversive reaction
to push or demand that the victims forgive. People want to believe that all is well in their world. They
don’t like when taboo subjects are brought out into the light. They want
everything to return to “normal” so they can go on living their lives as if
these heinous acts do not happen. Please note, I am not against forgiveness, but
believe that each victim must decide how she or he will work through her or his
trauma, but it is on her or his timeline, not the church’s.
The reports show that the Duggars did attempt to help their son,
but the police did not follow procedure, thus failing the victims and the son. However, sending the boy to live with someone else for a couple months does not equate
to counseling. Because homeschooling is very individualistic in nature,
families can fall prey to hubris notions that they can solve any problem that
arises by themselves. The parents stated that these incidents caused them, “to seek God”,
but in the end it did nothing for the victims, nor the perpetrator. In many
cases this 'pray it away' mentality allows for the abuse to continue, for the perpetrator
is under “grace” and the victims are forced to forgive and are silenced by the
authority figures in the household.
As a homeschooler it is cases like this, where there is no
defense against such actions. We cannot support such behavior.
In this last year, I chose the Patriarchal movement as a
group that I would love to observe and interview for one of my paper proposal. I
did tons of research and my research had to be objective showing those who
supported the movement and those opposed. I learned that the patriarchal or
quiverfull movement can be described as parents who are Christian who believe
that it is their calling to raise as many children that God allows them to have
(Mesaros-Winckles, 2010). They believe that the Bible is inherent and that it is
the guide for their lives which includes educating their children, how to have
a happy marriage, a successful business, and witness for Jesus Christ.
Individual families understand teachings differently, hence there is a large
spectrum in how families interpret modesty in clothing, submission in marriage,
discipline of children, and how much outside social interaction is allowed. The
leaders of this movement, Doug Phillips, Mary Pride, and Bill Gothard have
great influence on homeschoolers through conferences that are held each year
throughout the country. The rules that these families followed were very
difficult to achieve, thus the Duggars were the archetype of a successful
family. One of my main concerns was that for every successful family there were
many families that were damaged and broken by trying to fulfill such rigid requirements. Not to mention that some of the leaders are being pursued in the courts for sexual misconduct.
Another concern I had was how this movement not only greatly
influenced homeschool families, but also mainstream America. 19 Kids and Counting has had over 4
million viewers which demonstrates how popular and accepting people are of the
lifestyle. However, not all quiverfull or even homeschooling families are able
to make a living by being filmed. For many homeschooling families, the mother
traditionally stays home and the father provides the income. Unfortunately one
income is not enough with today’s standard of living and the mother starts a
business from home to supplement the much needed income. By working from home
she is still following the rules of being a “keeper of the home” and now adds
one more thing to her hectic schedule. The mom becomes the manager, delegating
much more than just chores to the older children just to stay afloat. This is even
seen in this television show how the older kids not only help clean and cook,
they also do some of the homeschooling. I am not against a strong work ethic,
but I am against serious burnout, which we see all the time in homeschooling
families. In other words, there can be unintended consequences in a family when
pursuing such a stringent set of rules.
The father has all the control over the family and this
includes all economic decisions, the type of education the children receive, when
to seek medical assistance, and many other social engagements. To distinguish
between a typical homeschooling family and the quiverfull ideology I will share
one of my own experiences. I remember sitting in on a talk that Kevin Swanson
gave where he stated, “We educate our sons, but train our daughters.” I sat
stunned in my chair, not quite believing what I heard, and I turned to my husband to make sure I heard
correctly and he looked at me with the same shock. After that talk, we did not
return to another CHEC conference. This belief system enables men to gain so
much power that they become a mini-dictator over their own family. I personally
know of many families that have gone through this type of situation.
I don’t think that people realize that this television show supports
this type of ideology. Which leads me to the main reason for the show. Why
would a mother and father knowingly allow their family to be filmed knowing
that their child confessed to sexually molesting his own sisters? Money and
influence. This show not only helped further this “quiverfull” ideology, but the
Duggars were well compensated for their time. From their notoriety they have
wrote multiple books which have brought people out in droves for book signings.
Their show was designed as a commodification of the quiverfull way of life. However,
it required that each child participate, and they had no voice in the matter. The
wholesome picture of the Duggars was very popular. Unfortunately, once again,
reality television turns out to be the antithesis.
The parents should be held responsible for all of the damage
that has been done. Instead of sending the young man away, they should have
sought out counseling for him and all of the victims. But they chose to be
parochial and they covered it up. I believe that because they were willing to
forgive and move forward that they could hide this, now these sisters, who are
the victims are now thrust into the limelight. They did not disclose this information to TLC,
and some may agree with that. But this family has come out with very strong
viewpoints about what hurts children, and I cannot think of anything more
harmful than child sexual abuse. The
stigma and taboo that accompanies child sexual molestation is now on a national
level, and where will these girls go to find help? Childhood sexual abuse is
very devastating and can have lifelong consequences, which I do not believe are
being addressed in this family.
Hopefully in all of the dialogue that will come out of this
situation the laws will be changed in Arkansas. These victims will never see
justice.
Having been a survivor of child sexual abuse and the parent
of a child of sexual abuse I can state emphatically that the church does not
know how to handle these situations and normally adds to the sorrow and grief
by defending the accused, and trying to force the victim into forgiveness, and
worrying about the reputation of the church. Some of the comments I have personally had to listen to were so obnoxious and hurtful, I can't imagine what it must feel like on a national level.
That said, people need to stand up for what
is right, even when it goes against you way of life!
I want to state, I am not
against praying, homeschooling, nor am I against forgiveness, or faith. I am against the
abuse of power that can be contrived when very stringent forms of homeschooling
and ironclad faith mix to create an environment that is hazardous to the health of others.
It is very unfortunate that this family is now forced to handle something in such a public way.
